Two's Love, Three Breaks It
by Afilover82
Summary: Riley and Zane are completely in love.  Nothing could ever come between them.  Well, at least that's what they think until Riley's old friend, Marco, comes to town for a visit.  The boys soon learn that some temptations are just too hard to resist.
1. Chapter 1

"Hey you."

Zane turned around and shot one of his world famous smiles at me.

"Hey Riley." He got up from the shady picnic table where his calculus homework was strewn. He took the step over to me and gave me a quick kiss. His lips were so soft and sweet, I never got used to the way my heart picked up when he kissed me. I also wasn't too used to being able to kiss him at school. We both sat down on the bench.

"Have plans Saturday night?" I asked.

"Who else would I have plans with?" Another smile.

"Come over at 7. My mom won't be home." I hated having to sneak around, but I wasn't really ready just yet to crush my mom's dreams of having grandkids. Everyone at Degrassi was just getting over the fact that I'm gay; home was my only place where it was a secret. I saw Zane's face drop a fraction of an inch.

"So I guess the coming out isn't going to happen any time soon?"

"Sorry Zane, I'm just not ready." I hoped he understood. Zane had been out since grade 9, and I'd only dropped the bomb three weeks ago.

"No worries. I gotta go, but I'll see you tomorrow." He gave me another small kiss, and I watched him grab his books and go. God he was great, if only I could freely date him like I wanted. I saw Zane hop on his bike and head down the street. I sighed. I wanted him so bad.

I straightened my pack on my back and turned to go home. My phone rang. I pulled it out and looked at the caller ID. _MarcoD_.

"Hey Marco! I haven't heard from you in awhile." Marco was an old family friend. He was three years older than me, but still a really awesome. He was also one of the few people outside of school I could to about Zane. Marco was gay too. A few years ago, before I'd accepted I was gay, I'd had a crush on him. But that was the past.

"Yeah, I've been really busy with school and stuff. But that's why I called."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I'm coming down for a week to visit!"

"No way! That's awesome!" Like I'd said, I hadn't seen Marco in a while. Since he was 4 and a half hours away in college, we didn't meet much.

"Yeah, I just talked to your mom. I'll be there tomorrow."

Shit. That was Zane day…I guess I could just have him over anyway; just to meet my friend. Although, Zane and I were both looking forward to it…

"Oh, cool." There was a pause.

"You sound a little less excited."

"Well…It's just that Zane and I sort of had plans."

"Ohhh. Well I get that. We can hang out during the day, and you can have all evening with your boy. I'll even make up an excuse if your mom asks."

"Seriously, aw thanks man."

"No problem. I'll see you then. Bye Riley."

"Bye!" Now you see why Marco is awesome? It's a wonder he doesn't have a boyfriend. If I didn't have Zane, I would probably still like him. I put my phone away, and started the 2 mile jog to my house. I didn't mind though, I needed the practice for football. It also gave me time to think.

Why couldn't I just tell my mom? It wouldn't be hard. I just had to go up to my mom and say, "Hey mom, I'm gay, and I'm dating Zane." It was just eight simple words. I guess I was scared. Scared of what my mom would think. I think I knew deep down that she would love me anyway; I just couldn't bring myself to say it.

The jog only took me 20 minutes, and then I was walking through my front door.

"Hey ma!" I called out. I didn't hear any response. She must still be at work. My mom was working a lot lately; trying to earn extra for the soon-to-be college expenses. She was going on her first conference in that job tomorrow. I guess her boss had noticed how much she'd upped the effort.

I walked into the kitchen and dropped my bad on the table. I opened the pantry, and sighed. One problem with my mom working long hours, she doesn't have as much time for grocery shopping. I went to the refrigerator and grabbed the second to last apple. I took a bit and chewed as I walked up the stairs.

The jog had left a thin coat of sweat on my skin, so I went to the bathroom and turned on the shower. When I got in, I immediately relaxed. The steam seemed to fill me and just wash away my stress. I spent about 20 minutes relaxing and washing, and then turned off the water and grabbed my towel. On my way out the door I stopped for a second. I grabbed a hand towel from the counter and wiped the condensation off of the mirror.

I looked at myself. Same light brown, curly hair. Same greenish blue eyes. Same body. I looked identical to how I had been last year, when I was so confused. Now I knew I was gay, and even though my appearance was the same, I was so different. It hardly made sense. How such a big internal change could have absolutely no affect on the external part of me. I sighed. It would almost be easier if you could see it from the outside. Then I wouldn't have to worry about telling people, or not telling people. It would be so much simpler.

I walked across the hall to my room, and shut the door. Just by looking around there was no evidence I was hiding anything. There was laundry on the floor, trophies covering my shelves, and posters hanging on all four walls. It looked like the average high school jock's room. I opened my dresser and pulled on an old t-shirt and some sweat pants. The towel was added to the pile of clothes at my feet. It also sucked not having someone to continuously bug you into doing laundry.

I sauntered back into the kitchen where I grabbed my stuff. I brought it into the family room and spread out my books on the coffee table. Leaning back on the couch, I picked up my copy of The Great Gatsby. We were reading it English, and there was a test on the next five chapters on Monday. I assumed I would have no time to read tomorrow with Marco and Zane, so I thought it would be a good idea to start. Normally I would just look it up on Spark Notes, but our teacher specifically writes the questions so that the information can't be found online. So I started reading a school novel on Friday afternoon. What a life. At least my weekend would be more exciting…


	2. Chapter 2

My mom came home around 12:30. I was full of pizza and leftover Chinese food, and not in the mood to talk, that I just pulled up my blanket and pretended to be asleep. Luckily my mom's not the suspicious type, so she just poked her head in once then went to her room for the night. I wasn't that surprised. For the past few weeks she'd been home this late a few times. I didn't mind though. I liked having time to myself.

I must've been more tired than I realized, because the next thing I knew I was squinting as sunlight shined through my window. I yawned, and sat up. I glanced at the alarm clock on my bedside table, and saw that it was almost noon. Wow, I was such a teenager. I got up, stretched, ran my hands through my hair, and trudged downstairs. There was a note on the kitchen table.

Riley, I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye, but my

Plane leaves at 11, and I didn't want to wake you.

Marco said he'll get there around 3.

I'll call you later tonight. I love you, Mom

Okay. I had around three hours to do whatever I wanted… Was I really such a lame teenager that I couldn't think of anything to do for three hours on a Saturday? I guess I could hang out with guys on the football team, but I just wasn't feeling it. So I plopped down in front of the TV, and didn't get up until the doorbell rang.

_ Marco. _ Is it bad if I say that I honestly forgot? I guess it's true when they say that TV rots your brain. I jumped up from the couch and hurried down the hall. I paused for a moment to check my ruffle my hair in the mirror. Then I realized, one, I was being a girl, two, it didn't even matter. I eagerly opened the front door.

Two years hadn't changed him a bit. I couldn't help but feel a slight touch of my old crush coming back as I took in his short, black hair, his chocolate brown eyes, and stud in his left nostril. I thought all of this, and shook it out of my head, in under a second. Marco stepped forward and hugged me.

"Good to see you man!" He stepped back.

"Yeah! How was the drive?" I reached out and grabbed one of his bulky suitcases. He picked up the other one. Wow, he didn't pack light.

"Really good actually. Probably the only time I haven't been stuck in hours of traffic," he responded as we carried his stuff inside and up the stairs.

"Great. Yeah, when ma said you'd be here at three, I honestly doubted it." It felt so good talking to Marco, even about stuff like traffic. He was just so warm and easy to talk to. We set his things down at the foot of the bed in the guestroom. The only time we ever used this room was when my grandparents or Marco visited, so it was pretty clean. The guestroom wasn't anything special; there was a double bed, a closet, a bedside table, a dresser, and a TV.

"So, enough small talk. It's time for us to catch up," he said. He sat on the bed and patted the spot next to him. I sat down with him. It was pretty obvious what he really wanted to talk about.

"Okay, what do you want to know?" I looked at Marco and he turned towards me.

"What's up with you and Zane? Like, how public are you?"

"Just at school. But here, not a word."

"Okay…so I guess you're not opening the closet door any time soon?" He asked. Wow, Zane had just asked the same thing yesterday. I guess I didn't realize how many people thought I should come out to my mom. I mean, I guess they do have a point.

"No, not soon…but eventually. When I'm ready. I just came out in school so…"

"Cool, cool. I get that. Do everything when you're ready. But just a piece of advice: I'd tell your mom before you leave next year. It's a lot harder to find one-on-one time with your to spill your guts when you're in college."

I gave a small laugh.  
"Yeah, I'd imagine." There was a short but non-awkward pause. It was never awkward with Marco.

"So," I started, "I guess I'll let you unpack your stuff. I'll be in my room if you need anything." We shared a smile, and I retreated to my bedroom. I flopped down on my bed and tried to sort my thoughts. Whenever I discussed my sexuality with someone it mixed my brain up a bit. Like I've said, I still wasn't completely used to it being known by people other than Zane.

My phone buzzed on the bedside table. I rolled over and flipped it open. I smiled; it was Zane. _When should we get together?_I got up and walked across the room. Leaning out of my door, I could just see Marco leaning over the dresser putting clothes away.

"Hey Marco," I called down the hallway, "When should I tell Zane to come over?"

"Whenever, I want to meet him," Marco called back.

"Okay!" I went back to my bed and opened a new text. _Come over now! _I couldn't wait to see him. I couldn't really go more than 24 hours without going through Zane withdrawal.


	3. Chapter 3

Fifteen minutes of watching TV with Marco later- wow, I was rotting my brain a lot lately- there was a knock at the door. I ran down the hall so fast, I'm not completely sure I wasn't invisible. I threw open the door to reveal a boy with adorable spiky hair and a smile to die for. I grabbed his hand and pulled him forward. In one movement I pushed the door closed and pulled him to me. Our lips met and this warmth filled my body. I pulled away long enough to see the affectionate twinkle his deep chocolate brown eyes. We both moved back in, our lips joining again.

"Ahem…" We broke apart, surprised, as Marco cleared his throat. I could feel my cheeks getting red, and I could see Zane was embarrassed too.

"So I'm guessing you're Zane?"

Zane smiled awkwardly.

"Yeah, and you're Marco?" I couldn't help but notice a small spark in Zane's eyes when he looked at Marco. I shook the thought out of my head. Silly me, being all flustered from the kiss and imagining things. Marco nodded. He turned towards me, but I could've sworn his eyes lingered for a moment on Zane…I blinked and focused back on what was really happening, opposed to what I was imagining.

"So do you two want to go out? Like I said, I can cover when your mom calls."

"Yeah, thanks so much Marco, I have my cell if you need me." I grabbed my jacket, and gave Marco a hug. "See you!" Zane gave Marco a nod, and I grabbed his hand and led him outside.

"So, where to?"

"I was thinking a movie? It's dark, we can sit in the back…" Zane suggestively raised his eyebrow. I smiled.

"Let's do it." I led Zane to my car, and he got in the passenger seat. I walked around and got in, and put the car in reverse.

"I'm so glad we're finally together."

"Me too, Riley." We leaned together and kissed, and then I backed out of my driveway. We talked and listened to the radio for the twenty minute ride. I noticed that Zane seemed a tad distracted, but I made myself not worry about it. I mean, I was just imagining all kinds of things since Zane came over today…

We got to the theater and we walked in hand in hand. I knew the only people who would recognize me here would be from school, and the cat was already out of the bag. There was no risk of running into my mom, so PDA wasn't really going to be an issue.

Unfortunately because it was a Saturday afternoon, the movie was pretty crowded. Luckily though, Zane and I managed to get two seats in the top corner. They were the seats that were separated from the others by the aisle, so I guess they were good despite the bad angle of the screen. I didn't recognize any faces in the crowd, nor did anyone call out to us, so I assumed we were completely with strangers. Even better. Being gay, even with people who knew, was still awkward for me.

During the previews, Zane and I held hands across the armrest- we were waiting until the lights went down. Once the theater became dark, we turned towards each other. Zane gave his perfect, irresistible smile. I rested my hand on his chin, and gently tilted his head to mine. As soon as our lips met the world melted away, and all I could think was, _Zane_. Our lips moved together so perfectly, that I was truly convinced we were made for each other.

It pretty much goes without saying that two hours later neither of us would have been a good person to ask what the movie was about. We both hastily fixed our hair, and tried to hide our flushed appearances.

"So, how'd you like the movie?" Zane asked as we left the theater and walked into the lobby.

"Oh, um…it was great…"

Zane giggled. I had to restrain myself from jumping on him right there. Zane smiling was one thing, but him giggling…oh my god. I felt a vibration in by my leg, and it took a moment before I realized it was just my phone. _MarcoD. _

"It's Marco," I told Zane. His interest seemed to perk up. I opened my phone and brought it to my ear.

"Hey Marco, what's up?"

"Your mom called, and she's pretty pissed that you 'left your guest so you could go see your friends.' I tried to cover for you, but she has that mom sixth sense."

"Shit." Zane gave me a look, but I motioned for him to wait a minute.

"Yeah, you should probably call her; to clear things up."

"Okay…well thanks for letting me know. We'll be home soon." I said bye, and hung up the phone.

"What's up?" Zane asked me.

"Ah, my mom is a bit upset that I went out without Marco."

"Oh, well we can hang with him. It's no big deal."

"Yeah," I began as we started walking through the lobby into the parking lot. "But, I sort of wanted this to be _our_ day." We stopped by my car, and Zane took my hands and turned me towards him.

"We've had a pretty good day together already," he gave the smile, "and just because we're at home doesn't mean we can't have more fun." Zane leaned forward and put his lips to my ear. "There's this thing called closing the bedroom door," he whispered. My whole body shuddered with want for him.

It's a wonder I didn't crash the car on the way home. I just kept reliving Zane's soft breath on my ear, his lips brushing my skin oh so carefully. Let's just say I'm lucky I was able to stand up by the time we got home.

When we got inside, I left Zane and Marco to hang in the family room for a few minutes while I went into my room to call my mom. I sat on my bed and dialed. She picked up on the first ring.

"Riley, what is wrong with you?" I guess it was a rhetorical question, because she didn't give me time to answer. "I thought I taught you manners! But obviously you don't see how rude it is to leave your guest, who you haven't seen in almost a year, to go hang out with one of your friends. Marco drove almost five hours to get there, and you can't even spend one afternoon with him?"

"Ma, I'm sorry okay? I didn't mean to make you mad." Not that it was that hard to upset my mother…

"Well I'm not the one you should be apologizing to, Riley. Marco said he didn't mind, but that does not excuse how incredibly rude you were to him."

"I understand, and I will apologize. It won't happen again."

"It better not. Now I have to go, but I will be checking in later, and there better not be any bad news."

"Okay, talk to you later ma." The line went dead. Wow, my mom was something else. I wish I could say this was the first time she'd overreacted like that. Unfortunately, it'd happened quite a few times before. I dropped my phone on the bed and headed back downstairs. As I approached the family room, I heard Zane's irresistible laughter. I peeked around the corner, and saw him and Marco sitting next to each other on the couch laughing. I was about to walk in, when I saw it. The sparkle. _My_ sparkle in Zane's eyes. But Zane wasn't sparkling at me. It was Marco.


	4. Chapter 4

I don't know how long I stood there, just watching. In reality, it was probably only a few minutes, but it felt like hours. Zane and Marco. Laughing, smiling…How did I not see it before? But then I realized I had. I had noticed, all along, from the moment they met, I had just convinced myself it wasn't true. Although now, watching them, I felt like the biggest idiot alive. It was so painfully obvious. Zane, the love of my life, liked Marco, and Marco liked him back.

I was about to walk in and demand to know what the hell was going on, when it happened. It all seemed to go in slow motion. The conversation paused, they looked in each other's eyes, Marco leaned forward, Zane met him in the middle, and they kissed. They pulled apart for a second, and then moved back in and continued kissing. It took me a minute to comprehend the fact that my boyfriend was currently making out with my oldest friend, but when I finally took in what was happening, I was out of there.

I sprinted down the hall and threw open the front door. I slammed it behind me and jumped in my car. Luckily I still had the keys in my pocket. As I was backing out, I saw the front door swing open and Zane step out. He called out my name, but I turned and sped off. I didn't know where I was going, but I just kept driving. Steering the car required enough attention that I couldn't focus my thoughts, which was a good thing. If I had been able to think clearly I most likely would've had some sort of breakdown.

I drove for an hour and a half, not paying attention to where I was. I pulled over into an empty parking lot, and turned off the engine. My phone vibrated for the sixth time since I'd left. I turned it off and threw it in the backseat. I rested my head on the steering wheel. I eventually let myself think back to that moment when their lips touched. Zane liked Marco. Probably more than liked, and they'd only met a few hours ago.

Did this mean that every touch, every kiss, was all a lie? When Zane said he loved me, was it just an act? Did he mean any of it? Or was it true, but just temporary? Did Zane really love me, but just until someone better came around? Sitting there alone in my car, almost two hours away from home, with my heart breaking, I cried. I'm not going to lie. I, Riley Stavros, star quarterback, cried for a good 20 minutes before wiping my eyes on my sleeve. After thinking and crying for so long, all I really felt was numb.

It was 11 o'clock when I started driving towards home. Luckily, I recognized the place where I had ended up, so I knew the way. I didn't want to go home though. Marco would be there, and no doubt Zane had stayed, and I didn't think I would be able to, nor did I want to, see either of them. I knew one other place I could probably stay for the night, so I drove past my street and continued eight blocks down the road.

I pulled up to the curb next to the house; I was glad I remembered where it was considering I had only been there once before. I cut the engine, got out, and walked up to the front door. I rang the doorbell, and waited. After a few seconds the door opened.

"Hi Riley…It's pretty late, what are you doing here?"

"Hey Anya, this is sort of weird to ask, but do you have a couch I can crash on tonight?"

"Why? Is everything alright?"

"Well…it's complicated. I just really can't stay home tonight."

"Oh, well…wait here. I'll be right back." I nodded, and Anya disappeared into her house. Anya had been my friend for a while; she was one of the first people in the school who knew I was gay and liked…I stopped myself from continuing the thought. I was trying with all of my power to keep thoughts of…him…out of my head. Anya and I had really bonded over the year, especially the days when I had accompanied her after school to her mom's appointments at the hospital. Anya reappeared in the doorway.

"Okay, you can stay. I told my parents you were having trouble at home, and they said you can have the couch in the family room."

I stepped into the house and hugged her.

"Thanks Anya."

She smiled.

"Come on, I'll show you to the couch." She led me halfway down a short hallway, into a small family room. There was a large couch, two recliners, and a TV.

"Oh, I'll run and get some blankets." Anya went back down the hallway and disappeared into another room. I sat down on the couch. It was pretty comfortable, a little firm. Anya returned to the room with two blankets and a pillow in her arms. She set them on one end of the couch, and sat down next to me.

"So," she looked at me. "What happened that's so bad you can't sleep in your own house?" I took a deep breath. I hadn't had the chance to tell anyone yet, so I didn't really know how to start. I guess just saying it was the best.

"Zane kissed Marco." After I said it, Anya's eyes widened. Just another person who couldn't understand how Zane could do that to me.

"Oh my god. I thought…I thought you guys were in love?"

I bowed my head.

"So did I Anya, so did I…" Anya reached over and hugged me. I liked the comfort of being in her arms. It reminded me of when I would hold…never mind. She pulled away.

"Listen, Zane's really a good guy, and so are you. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you'll work it out. I promise you, Riley."

"I hope so." Anya said goodnight, and left me alone in the family room. I laid out one of the blankets on the couch to cushion it, and put the pillow at one end. It was not quite long enough for me to lie straight, so I curled up on one side and pulled the second blanket up around my chin.

I didn't move, just listened to the house. Distantly I could hear the refrigerator humming in the kitchen, and it was pitch black; I guess Anya had immediately gone to bed. I was once again alone with my thoughts. Though I still didn't cry again. It was like I was out of tears. I was just in a daze. It didn't quite feel real. I kept thinking, "I should call Zane…" until I realized why I couldn't. I had no idea what I was going to do tomorrow, I didn't want to go back home with Marco, but I didn't have any ideas for what could keep me occupied for an entire day…I guess I could spend the day with Anya, but I didn't want to be a bother…I sighed.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't turn my brain off. I kept looking at the clock. 11:45, 12:00, 12:20, 12:41…It went on like that until 3:04. That's the last time I remember seeing before the sun shine woke me up.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey! Sorry it's been a while since the last update (if you can count 5 days as a long time...)! Thanks so much for all of the reviews! It means so much knowing you guys like it, especially since this is only my 2nd fic. I hope you enjoy!**

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I rubbed my eyes and got up from the couch. I stretched- spending the night curled up in a ball wasn't very comfortable- and went into the kitchen where Anya stood at the counter making coffee. I sat down at the table, yawned, and stretched again. The clock said it was only 8:30.

"Hey Riley, how'd you sleep?"

"Alright, the couch wasn't too bad."

Anya looked away awkwardly. I could tell she wanted to say something.

"Anya, what is it?"

"Well…I'm surprised it didn't wake you up, it woke my parents-they were pretty mad…"

"Anya," I cut her off. "What is it?"

"Zane called. Twice. He must've guessed you would come here. And he called my cell three times. He left messages…"

I hadn't been feeling sad that morning-most of my emotions seemed to have washed away during the night- but hearing his name said out loud caused a huge pang of grief in my chest. I guess Anya could sense this, because she walked over, patted my shoulder, and put her cell phone on the table.

"I really hope things get better, Riley," she said as she walked out. I looked at the phone's screen; the blinking words, _3 New Messages_ glared at me. It took me a minute to work up my nerve, but I eventually opened the phone and scrolled to the messages. They were all sent late last night. The name "Zane P." looked up at me from the screen. Another blow of absolute misery hit me. I knew I would have to do this eventually though. I clicked on the first message, and put the phone to my ear.

"Anya, please, do you know where Riley is?" His voice produced new tears in my eyes, but I pushed them back. "I've looked everywhere but I can't find him. I…I…I messed up. Big time. I feel like such shit…I need to talk to him. Please, you're the only person I can't think of who he would go to. Just…please help me talk to him." The desperate pleading in his voice ripped at my heart. I felt the need to just hold him, but quickly shook away the thought. I clicked on the second message. He sounded even more frantic.

"Anya, I don't know what else to do. I can't find Riley, he won't pick up his cell…I'm so worried…He seemed so upset, what if he did something horrible? It would be all my fault…Please Anya… I need help here. I need to find Riley, to explain to him. To beg for him to forgive me…Call me, please." I had to try so hard not to cry…Hearing him sound so desperate and worried…I clicked on the last message- it was sent at 2 am.

"Anya, I still haven't heard from him or anything. I need you to help me, maybe you can help me make sure he's alright…I just really need to talk to him. I'm coming tomorrow morning. Please tell me if you know where he is…I'm desperate here." Shit. He was coming over. This morning. I could barely stop myself from bursting out in tears just seeing hearing his voice; I was in no way ready to see him face to face. I jumped up from the table, and ran down the hall to where Anya's room was.

"Anya, I have to go, now." I raced to the door and started pulling my shoes on. She came up behind me, looking confused.

"Wait, what? Where are you going? What's going on?"

"No time to explain, thanks for letting me stay." I threw open the front door and ran out to my car. Luckily, my keys were still in my pocket from yesterday, and I hastily unlocked the door. Anya appeared in the doorway.

"Riley, where are you going?" She called to me. I ignored her and slammed the car door. I had a second of déjà vu. This was all too similar to when I ran from my house yesterday…

I backed out quickly, and started to drive down Anya's street. I passed another car, and looking in the driver's seat, I slammed on the breaks. Zane. I couldn't believe how much he'd changed in one night. He looked like he hadn't slept at all, hadn't eaten, hadn't done anything but anxiously call around to find me. He looked over, and upon seeing me his eyes widened. "Riley!" he called- I could just make out my name through the window. I blinked, and with my head momentarily cleared, I slammed on the gas.

I took a lot of random turns, and after 10 minutes I ended up on the other side of the neighborhood by Degrassi. I pulled over, and cut the engine. Seeing Zane was so much worse than I had imagined. I had to focus all of my effort on not crying, though still a few tears leaked out. I hadn't even talked to him, and I could barely control myself. My heart was aching more than it ever had before. My phone beeped. I'd completely forgotten it was still lying on the ground in the backseat.

I reached behind me and picked it up. _14 New Messages._ I scrolled though them. Seven from Zane, two from my mom, one form Anya, and four from Marco. Marco. I had almost completely forgotten about him. He was one of my oldest friends, and he had gone and made out with my boyfriend…I decided I didn't want to hear his voice either. That left me with a dilemma. I couldn't stay at Anya's, and I couldn't go home.

I considered a lot of places. The Dot? The house under construction where I used to go a lot? No. Every place I thought of had too many memories associated with Zane. I decided to go home. I turned out of the Degrassi parking lot, and headed towards my house. I figured that I could brush Marco off and retreat to my bedroom, though I didn't know what to do about my mom. She was coming home tonight, and I'm sure she was pretty pissed that I haven't been home with Marco all weekend…

Oh well. I'd cross that bridge when I got there. All that I cared about now was getting to my room. For some unexplainable reason, I suddenly felt really tired. I guess that having your heart broken, and then sleeping for only five hours on a couch can do that to you.

After a few minutes I pulled into my driveway. Marco's car was missing. He must have gone out somewhere. I grabbed my phone from the backseat, and jogged up to the front door. I fumbled for my keys in my pocket, but gave up on the mission as the door swung open in front of me.

"Riley."

I was looking right into Zane's eyes.


	6. Chapter 6

I instantly took a step back. My heart immediately felt like it was crumbling, just looking at him. Zane reached out and grabbed my arm, sending an unwanted surge of electricity through it.

"Riley, please, you can't just avoid this forever. Let me talk to you."

I'm not sure if it was the absolute pleading in his eyes, the slight crack in his voice, or that I just was so exhausted from avoiding him, but I gave up. He was right, I couldn't just keep running away, and hoping it would make my problems disappear. I sighed.

"Fine." I could see a slight bit of shock register on Zane's face- it was obvious he had been expecting for me to put up a fight. I pushed past him and walked down the hall to the family room. I was not excited for the conversation that was about to take place. I sat down on the couch, and Zane followed. He turned towards me.

"Riley, you have every right to be mad. I completely and royally fucked up. But…the past day has been torture. I didn't know where you were, what you felt…I love you Riley, and I can't bear the thought of never seeing you again."

I shot up. I was instantly filled with a feeling I hadn't experienced yet this weekend; rage.

"You love me? How can you even say that! You think that after you cheat on me with my _best friend_, you'll get off the hook just by saying you love me! If you love me so much, why the hell did you do it in the first place, huh Zane? If you love me so much why the hell did _hurt me_ like you did!" I was so mad; mad didn't begin to describe it. I couldn't control myself. I was thinking clearly enough to realize I couldn't hurt Zane. I whipped around and threw the lamp from the table, causing glass to shatter all over the floor.

"Riley…" Zane started with fear in his voice. I didn't want to hear it. I bounded down the hall and up the stairs. I slammed my door closed and locked it. My vision was edged in red from utter fury. I went to my shelf, and I one fluid movement hurled all of my trophies to ground. Some broke; other nice ones shattered. I didn't care. I moved to the next shelf, doing the same. I went around my room, destroying anything in my path like a tornado.

Five minutes later I sat on the floor with my back against my bed, tears streaming down my cheeks. I looked around the room, seeing all of my possessions completely destroyed. I put my head in my hands. I had been doing so well in anger management… I snapped my head up as the door opened. Zane stood there, with a key in his hand. His face turned alarmed as he took in my room.

"Riley, are you okay?" He crossed the room to me. "Your hand…"

I looked down. My right hand was swollen and bleeding. The knuckles were torn up, and there were cuts from glass in my palm. I hadn't even noticed with all of the blind rage, but now that Zane pointed it out, it started to sting. Zane grabbed a random shirt from my floor and sat down next to me. He took my hand and carefully wrapped it up. I winced at the pain.

"Riley, please listen to me. I got caught up in the moment, I wasn't thinking. Neither of us was. As soon as it happened I felt so guilty. I hated myself; I still do. I never meant to hurt you, Riley. You have to believe me. Do you think I wanted all of this to happen? For you to get hurt? Because I didn't Riley; I never wanted anything to ever hurt you, especially not me. I love you. More than I've ever loved anyone. Please, just give me another chance. Please Riley." By this time Zane had tears running down his face too. Seeing him like this, I desperately wanted to just hug him and say it would all be alright. And I almost did. Almost.

"Zane, I need time to think. You should go." Zane got up and went towards the door. He paused in the door frame and turned back towards me.

"I'm sorry," he said in barely more than a whisper. I watched him turn and leave.

I rested my head in my hands. Zane sounded so miserable, so sorry…I really wanted everything to just go back to the way it was. Without the heartbreak, without the pain. I wished Zane and I could just be happy again. And we could. If I gave him a second chance. But what was stopping him from doing this again? I sighed, wiped my eyes, and got up.

I first went to the bathroom and cleaned my hand, then wrapped it up in something more suitable than a shirt. I went back into my room and surveyed the site. Four months of anger management, all for nothing. I had exploded, when it had been most important for me to keep my cool. How was I supposed to explain this to my mom, who would be home in- I checked my watch- two hours? I figured I could clean up most of it, and the work would keep my mind off of Zane.

First I went around with a trash bag and collected all of the trophies, picture frames, and other various broken things. Then I spent a good half hour carefully vacuuming up glass and wood splinters- the last thing I needed was to slice open my foot. Finally, after an hour and 45 minutes, my room was clean. Of course I would still have to explain to my mom why almost all of my belongings were on the curb waiting for the garbage truck in the morning. I sat down and tried to figure out what to do with the remaining few minutes I had. I wound up thinking about Zane, which ultimately ended up in me shedding some tears.

I heard the front door open. I could hear my mom walk into the kitchen, and the thud of suitcases being dropped on the ground. Then I heard her climbing the stairs. I quickly wiped my eyes and took a deep breath.

"Riley, why is there a note from Marco saying he's spending the night at a hotel?" She angrily asked from the hallway. My mom burst through my door and stopped. Her eyes widened at the near emptiness of my room. Her eyes shifted to me with a look of confusion, worry, and anger.

"Riley, what happened here?"

Tears threatened my eyes again. I just felt so frustrated, and mad at myself for losing control, and in no mood to even speak to my mother, or answer any of her questions.

"I sort of…got upset." A look of disappointment passed over my mom's face.

"So you destroyed your room? Riley, were you lying about going to those anger management classes twice a week?"

"No ma, I went. I just…lost it this once."

My mom walked across the room and sat down next to me.

"Riley, what happened?"

I shifted my eyes away. "What do you mean?"

My mom gave me a you're-not-fooling-anyone look.

"You didn't just lose control and destroy your entire room for no reason. What happened?"

I didn't mean to say it. I wasn't thinking. I just felt like such shit keeping it in, so when my mom asked, I couldn't stop myself from answering.

"Zane kissed Marco." Just saying it out loud got my angry again. I had been doing okay before the room incident; just thinking about what Zane did wasn't as bad…but as I had recently shown, talking about the situation out loud didn't really work well for me. Telling someone flat out what Zane did got my blood boiling. I looked at my mom; her face was a mix of surprise and utter confusion.

"Okay, I didn't know Zane was gay…" There was an awkward silence. "But what does that have to do with you, Riley?"

I lost it again. I was already mad enough, and I just couldn't keep the control that was so important. I realized as I was saying it what was happening, but by then it was too late.

"Zane's my boyfriend!"


	7. Chapter 7

I immediately froze. I couldn't believe that I had just told my mom that Zane was my boyfriend. There was a very pregnant pause.

"Oh Riley…" my mom started. She pulled me forward into a hug. I was very confused. This was the last reaction I was expected to get after my mom found out I was gay. She pulled away, and used her thumb to brush the tear that had escaped from my eye.

"These past months you've been spending so much time with him; you've been together the whole time haven't you?"

I nodded.

"Oh honey, why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I…I guess…I guess I was scared…of what you'd think."

She pulled me into another hug.

"Riley, you're my son. I will always love you, no matter if you like boys or girls; that could never change anything."

I gave a small smile.

"Thanks ma." A flicker of understanding washed over my mom's face at that moment.

"You really like Zane don't you?" I nodded. "And he kissed Marco." Another nod. "Is that why Marco isn't staying here tonight?" A third nod. I knew I probably should've said something, but I was still a bit in shock that my mom was this okay with my sexuality to even be sitting here having this conversation.

"Riley, I know this must be so hard. I've noticed a change in you recently. He made you so happy."

I couldn't help it; I felt a few hot tears slide down my cheeks.

"Have you talked to him about it?" I nodded again. I supposed I would have to say something eventually though…

"And then you demolished your room?" I figured I had used up all of my nods at that point.

"I was just…so mad. I completely lost it. I'm sorry."

"Honey, I'm not mad. I understand how you must be feeling… When you two talked, did he say something that upset you more, though? Something that mad you especially mad?"

"He said…he said how much he loved me. But if he loves me so much, why'd he do it?"

My mom looked thoughtful.

"Well Riley, sometimes people do things and they don't know why. Just like how you don't know why you lash out when you're mad; sometimes people can't help it. Now I'm not saying Zane was at all justified in what he did, but maybe you should hear him out."

I sighed.

"I need time to think. Thanks ma." I hugged her, and my mom bent down and kissed my forehead.

"I'll be in my room if you need me." She walked out of the room and gently closed the door behind her.

I fell back on my bed, my head spinning. Not only had I come out to my mom, but we had had a conversation about the situation with Zane. I had not expected that reaction. I had thought she would be mad, or in denial, or something negative. But hugging me and telling me I should've told her sooner? I was not anticipating that at all. My mom had got me thinking though. Was it just like my anger problem? Did Zane just lose control and make a mistake, like what I'd done to my room?

I groaned. All of this deep reflecting was giving me a headache. I walked across the hall to the bathroom and took two aspirins. Hopefully that would numb my sore head…

I guess it worked, because I woke up two hours later to the sound of my phone ringing. I groggily rolled over and picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Hey Riley," Anya's voice sounded form the other end. "I just wanted to check up on you. You just ran out, and then Zane called and told me what happened…"

"Yeah Anya, I've cooled down…I'm alright now. I…I told my mom. She's been helping actually." There was a pause.

"Oh Riley! I'm so proud you finally told her. And didn't I tell you she'd be okay with it?"

"Yeah, I should've listened to you and…Zane." I heard Anya sigh.

"I just wish it had come out for another reason…Speaking of, you know Zane misses you. A lot."

"I know; I just don't know if I can trust him anymore. I want to, I really do, but there's no guarantee. And I need that guarantee."

"Well Riley, I hope you two work it out, I really, really do. And I know this is cliché, but if it's meant to be, it'll all work out in the end."

"Thanks Anya."

"Anytime. I gotta go now. Good luck Riley."

We said bye, and I hung up. I scrolled through my contacts, and landed on Zane's name. I knew I should call him; talk to him. But I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I closed my phone and set it down, then fell back onto the bed. For about the millionth time I wished that none of this ad ever happened. I wished that Zane and I could just be happy together again. But of course, no one ever said love was easy. My door opened and my mom stuck her head in.

"Hey hon. How are you doing?"

"Alright, I just talked to Anya."

"Oh," a small smile formed on her lips. "She's a nice girl." I nodded.

"So, Riley, this is probably the last thing on your mind, but do you have any homework? I don't mean to be all motherly, but I really don't want your grades dropping this early into the year. Bad grades equal no football, which equals no scholarship, and you know money's tight…"

I rolled my eyes and couldn't help but smile.

"Save the speech ma, I'll do my homework." She smiled again, then closed the door. _School. _I think it goes without saying that homework was definitely not up on my priority list at the moment. But I wanted to make my mom happy, so I went downstairs, got my bag, and returned to my room.

I spent about forty-five minutes finishing reading my novel for English, and then reluctantly approached my calculus homework. It was only after I had spent 10 minutes trying to work the first problem that I realized I really needed my tutor…too bad I wasn't speaking to him at the moment…I shoved the worksheet deep into my bag. Maybe I could convince Anya to help me with it during lunch tomorrow…

Oh shit. I just realized what tomorrow had in store for me. Avoiding Zane in the halls, avoiding Zane in half of my classes, avoiding Zane during football practice…Yeah, I really was not looking forward to school. Hopefully I would be able to get through it…


	8. Chapter 8

Luckily I didn't see Zane in the parking Monday morning, probably on account of the fact that I'd waited until 5 minutes before the bell rang to show up, when I knew Zane was always early to school. I grabbed my bag from my car, hoping as I walked in that Zane would already be in class, not cutting it so close to the bell. I guess my luck had already run out.

As I turned down the hall towards my locker, I saw Anya at her locker further down. And guess which football kicker just happened to be standing at her locker next to her? I pretended I didn't see them, as I dialed my combination and stacked my books on the metal shelf. I wasn't looking at them, but I could feel their eyes. Well, one set of eyes in particular. After being with Zane for so long, it was as if I could sense him. I somehow knew that at that moment his eyes were very focused on the back of my head. Unfortunately, I couldn't sense distance very well, which is why I practically jumped into the air when I heard Zane's voice about a foot behind me.

"Hi Riley."

I quickly grabbed the last notebook I needed out of my locker, and turned to face him. Even though I had seen him a mere day ago, I still felt like it was the first time I had looked at him in weeks. Then I really looked. His hair lacked its usual perfect spikes, and he had bags under his eyes; it looked like he hadn't slept in days. I felt a strong urge to hold him in my arms, but then I reminded myself yet again of why I couldn't.

"Hi Zane," I replied quietly. Then I turned and quickly started down the hallway. I kept my pace slow enough that it didn't appear I was running away, but fast enough to signal that I was in a hurry so I shouldn't be bothered. Apparently he understood, because when I glanced back down the hall as I turned a corner, I saw him still standing by my locker, looking after me with his sad eyes.

"Trouble in paradise?" Drew asked as soon as I sat down next to him in math. We could both easily admit we weren't each other's favorite people, what with him trying to force me to give up QB1, and then Owen and me hazing him… But after he tried to cover for me, and I went and admitted it anyway, we sort of had an unspoken truce. We would still probably never be best friends, but we helped each other in class and at practice, and he honestly wasn't a bad guy. And it helped that he wasn't a homophobe like some people in school…

"What are you talking about?" I mumbled and looked away. Drew smirked.

"Please. It was pretty obvious in the hall this morning that something is up. You and Zane are usually attached at the hip."

"One, it's not funny. And two, it's none of your business."

Drew held up his hands in a fake surrender.

"Okay okay. Whatever you say. Whatever's going on just better not mess you up at practice. We have a game in two weeks and I'm not letting you mess it up for all of us."

"Thanks for the pep talk, Drew." He just shrugged.

The rest of class went by normally, besides the fact that I couldn't concentrate at all the whole time. Every time I looked at a problem or at the board, all I could think about was spending hours in my room with Zane while he went over each problem again and again with me. And then I thought about how those hours in my room usually weren't all studying…and then that reminded me of seeing Zane lean in and kiss Marco. These memories went on in a loop in my brain for the full hour of class. I hoped I was doing an alright job of hiding my distraction, but once again, I was mistaken.

"Riley, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure Coach." I walked down the aisle in and stopped in front of Armstrong's desk, where he was standing.

"Riley, are you alright? You seemed pretty distracted in class today…"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just feeling a little under the weather."

"Okay. Are you going to be good for practice today? We already have one player out for this afternoon and I'd hate to also be short our quarterback just two weeks before the game."

"Um, Coach, who else is out for this practice?"

"Zane. He says he's not feeling well, and he looks pretty bad. I hope it's nothing serious, we need him for the game."

"Yeah," I paused. "I hope not either."

"Well you better get to your next class. I'll see you this afternoon."

As I walked out of the classroom, my mind was spinning. Zane was skipping practice. Was he really so distraught he would risk the team? If anything I should be the one skipping; _I_ was the one who had my heart ripped out and stomped on… But I'd never seen Zane so upset. I had to admit, I was worried. Despite how much I didn't want to care about him or think about him, he was in horrible shape. Honestly, he seemed much more upset than me. Which made absolutely no sense…

The next two classes were pretty much the same. There was me trying to focus, but all of my thoughts were centered on Zane. Every other word I heard triggered some forgotten memory of the two of us. I knew Ma would be disappointed in the grades I earned today, but I was trying my best. It just so happens that my best was nowhere near good enough at the moment. And I had a sinking feeling it was going to get worse. My next class was English. With Zane.

I wandered the halls for as long as possible before the bell, hoping if I came in later than Zane I could choose a seat away from him. It just was _not_ my lucky day. I entered the classroom just as the bell rang; only to find that waiting until the last minute had not been the best plan. There's was only one seat available. And I bet you can guess who it was next to. I took the seat next to Zane and sensed him instantly stiffen next to me. His movements were very deliberate; as if he was making sure he didn't get too close to me.

Though, despite his efforts, there was one moment in class where our hands brushed. I felt a sort of electricity where we touched, if only for a second. I glanced at him and saw him quickly look away; I did the same. I had no more interactions with Zane until the end of class.

I was reading my book- or at least pretending too; I couldn't concentrate with Zane so close- when I felt a light tap on my shoulder. I looked up and saw Zane hesitantly looking at me. He held out my pen.

"You dropped this," he said in barely more than a whisper. I took the pen from him, careful not to touch again.

"Thanks," I replied just as quiet. Zane opened him mouth slightly as if to say something else, but he was cut off by the bell. I grabbed my things and hurried out the door, leaving Zane staring at my forgotten pen on the desk.


	9. Chapter 9

**Sorry this is so short! I wanted to focus on the main action here, and I thought that adding more would've given it less impact. Major drama here! Get ready for it! More to come soon!**

* * *

By the next morning, I had made my decision. I walked into school, trying to figure out when and where would be the right place to tell Zane. I spent the most of the morning contemplating this, and also wondering if I had made the right decision at all. I had weighed the pros and cons for hours. I had talked to my mom- I was glad I could finally do that- and asked Anya for her input. All in all, this really did seem like the right thing to do.

It wasn't until I walked into English and saw Zane give me a semi-hopeful look, that I figured I couldn't keep him hanging for so long. I thought about what this must've been doing to him. Waiting every day for this news, not knowing if it'll be good or bad…I couldn't leave him like that. So I sent him a text across the room, praying he had put his phone on vibrate. _Meet me at our spot during study hall? _I looked across the room and saw Zane look down, then glance up and meet my eye. He looked back down, and a second later my phone vibrated in my pocket. I looked up; making sure Mrs. Dawes wasn't anywhere nearby. I opened my phone and saw a simple, one-word reply. _Okay._ I couldn't tell if his short reply meant anything. Was he nervous? Excited? Or just trying to freeze me out? I guess I would find out when the time came, which was in just 20 minutes.

I glanced around the hall, making sure no one was around, before I pushed open the school's side door and started jogging out towards the field. Our spot was a small little clearing in the woods behind the main field. There was a picnic table, and a small patch of soft grass that was just right for a picnic blanket. It was the perfect spot for a romantic afternoon. It was very private, completely surrounded by trees, and not many people knew about it, or bothered to come.

It only took me about two minutes to jog past the field and through the short, barely noticeable path to the clearing. Then I sat down at the picnic table, and waited...and waited…and waited…I looked at my watch. It had been five minutes. I guess I was more anxious for this than I realized. Which is probably why I jumped about two feet into the air when I heard a twig crack. I turned towards the path, and heard footsteps getting closer. I took a deep breath, and let it out when I saw that familiar spiky black hair, and glowing brown eyes. Only his eyes weren't exactly glowing now…he looked like he could have a panic attack any moment. So I guess I was right in thinking he was nervous…

"Hi Riley," he said quietly. "You wanted to talk?" I couldn't help but notice the hopeful glint in his eyes.

"Yeah," I motioned next to me. "Sit down." Zane crossed the small space in a few steps, and sat down next to me on the bench. I heard him take a deep breath in anticipation.

"Okay. So I've been thinking about this for a while…well really it's all I've been thinking about since…well you know. And I've finally decided." I paused, bracing myself for what I was about to say. I could feel Zane stiff beside me, waiting.

"Zane, I don't think we should see each other anymore." There was a long pause, as we both fully processed this.

"But Riley…" Zane started, and I heard his voice crack. I had prepared for this.

"I know, you love me and are sorry, but you hurt me so much worse than I've ever been hurt before. And I just can't take that risk. I'm sorry." I felt tears risking to fall again, and my heartbeat pick up. Zane put his hand on my shoulder.

"Riley, please…" I looked up and saw tears running down his cheeks. I couldn't take it, I was about to burst. I pulled away from him and stood up.

"I'm sorry." I turned and ran out of the woods, across the field, and into the parking lot. I tried not to think of how I'd just left him there…I got in my car and stopped. I leaned back in the seat, using my anger management technique to calm myself. _Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale…_ I sat like that for 10 minutes, trying to push back the emotions that were threatening to break out. I'd done the right thing; I knew it deep down…It just hurt so much on the surface.

I ignored the fact that it was the middle of the school day, and started my car. I then pulled out of the parking lot, and started driving towards the only place I knew I could be alone.

* * *

**Soooo? I know it's NOT what a lot of you wanted, but give me a break! Don't worry, I have this all planned out. Just dont hate me for what i made happen!**


	10. Author's Note

To be honest I completely forgot about this story until today, but I've decided to continue it! The chapters won't be posted as often as they used to be, but I will keep working on it. Thank you so much to everyone who followed this story last year, and to all of you who will keep reading. So sorry for disappearing!


	11. Chapter 10

"Riley…Riley…" A forceful shake woke me from my daydream. I looked around the classroom, noticing that all of the desks were empty but the one that Anya occupied next to me.

"Where is everyone?"

"Going to lunch I assume. I've been trying to wake you. Thinking of _him_ again?"

"No, I…" Okay, I admit it. I had been thinking about Zane. Specifically, of the LGBT mixer at Above the Dot. That had been the when I had finally accepted that being gay wasn't bad…or wrong…It was who I was. And who Zane was. That was also the first night we had kissed.

This wasn't the first time I'd zoned out thinking about him. Actually it'd been happening pretty much every day for the last month since I broke up with him. I tried to distract myself, to push my memories back into the darkest corners of my mind, so they could never find their way out. It didn't work. I constantly found myself reliving our happiest memories, only to snap out of it and realize that's all they were. Memories. No longer my reality. I could no longer invite Zane out for coffee, or kiss him in the halls. I had thought I was making the right choice…but ever since the day I had ended it my life had been torture.

"Is it that obvious?" I asked Anya, figuring there was no denying where my mind had just been…

"No! Just to me because I know you and the situation. To everyone else you probably just look high…The way you get that dreamy, far-off look in your eye…"

"Anya," I interrupted. "They think I look high; how do I look to you?"

She took a minute, trying to find a nice way to word it. She didn't see much of an option but to be straightforward. "You look like you're in love."

I knew it. I knew I still loved him… When it was just in my head I could deny it. I could push it away and forget about the feelings that would constantly try to eat away at me. But now that Anya had said it out loud… I finally realized just how true it is.

"I was wrong," I said in a little more than a whisper.

"What?"

I turned towards Anya.

"Do you think I made the right choice?"

She looked away awkwardly. When she finally looked back, her eyes met mine.

"Riley, if it were the right choice, you wouldn't have to ask. It would just feel…_right_."

I leaned my head in my hands. Everything I had worked so hard for during the past month was crumbling away. All of a sudden all of my walls were down. All of the longing and love I had so carefully masked was being let out. I felt tears welling up behind my eyes. I was going to lose it.

"Riley, you coming to lunch? We were gonna talk plays for the next game. Anya, you can come too…"

I looked up at Drew standing in the doorway.

"Yeah, I'll be right there." He must have sensed something was wrong, because as soon I replied he gave a nod and a quick, "'Kay," then quickly left. I silently thanked him for interrupting. The strong urge to just…break down...was gone.

"I have to fix this Anya…I have to get Zane back. Do you think he'll take me?"

"Riley," Anya gave me a your-an-idiot look. "He's been worse than you these past weeks. If you had to hear him go on and on about how he messed up the only good thing in his life, and how he lost his only love…It's heart breaking. He feels so terrible, Riley. He's honestly sorry for what happened."

"I know." And I really did know. I had spent every minute of every day thinking about the utter misery in his eyes, and I knew it was real. There was no doubt in my mind that he was sorry.

"Okay, I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna get back with him." Just thinking about it made me smile. And it felt good, smiling for real for the first time in months. The thought of being with Zane again made me feel amazing.

A huge smile appeared on Anya's face as well.

"Come on, Riley! Let's go find him now. Oh, this is so exciting!" She grabbed my hand and started frantically pulling me from the room. I was kind of glad that she was dragging me down the hallway, because my mind wasn't being very useful. All I could think about was every happy moment with Zane. Every time he smiled at me… I kept imagining throwing open the doors to the cafeteria, running up to Zane, and giving him the most amazing, loving, romantic kiss ever.

We stopped. The only thing separating Zane and me now was a set of big wooden doors. I grabbed the handles and started to open them…

"Wait!" The door slammed shut again and I spun around, worried. "Let me fix your hair!" Anya began spastically running her fingers through my short curls, and smoothing out some areas. I had to stop laughing long enough to push her hands away.

"Anya thanks, but I think I'm good." She leaned forward and pulled me into a hug.

"Go get him, Riley."

I gave her a smile and a nod, and then turned back towards the door. It must have been adrenaline the first time, because now I was more hesitant. I hadn't said one word to him in a month. What if it was awkward? What if he hadn't changed? What if I was setting myself up to be crushed again? No. I could feel something real inside of me. My connection with Zane was more certain than anything I'd ever known. I loved him. He was my life. I would get him back.

With no more doubts in my mind, I threw open the doors and faced the cafeteria. I didn't need to search for Zane; I'd been stealing glances at him every lunch period since we broke up. He was always in the far left corner. Sometimes listening to music, sometimes doing homework, but always alone. I started walking at a confident pace. My plan was to walk right up to him, say "Zane, I'm sorry, I love you," and kiss him. And then everything would be perfect. Today he happened to be doing homework, so his eyes were down on the book in his lap. I stayed focused on his face as I walked, the entire time envisioning when I would kiss him.

I reached where he sat in the corner, and he looked up at me. His eyes held a mixture of sadness, confusion… and something else I couldn't quite place. It was almost guilty…

"Hi Riley…" His voice was so soft and innocent. I couldn't wait any longer.

"Zane, I'm sorry, I…"

"Hey hon." A random guy I didn't recognize interrupted me. He sat down next to Zane, leaned over, and kissed him on the cheek.

Wait, what? I stared for a second, hoping I'd seen it wrong. Then the guy took Zane's hand. There was no denying it. The guy seemed oblivious to my presence, but Zane wasn't. His eyes had shifted. Now they seemed embarrassed, awkward, and the guilt was clear. I tried to speak, but my brain wasn't capable of forming words.

"Riley, this is Alex. My…boyfriend."


	12. Chapter 11

"Are you sure he said 'boyfriend'?"

"Yes Anya! I'm fucking sure!" I turned around and took a few steps. My hands kept twitching, feeling the need to break something. I wasn't thinking. Nothing seemed real. I mean, I knew I was in the school parking lot. I knew Anya was sitting on the curb a few feet away from me. But nothing felt real. Nothing except the pain and rage that had been exploding out from me since that moment Zane spoke. I spun around again, facing Anya.

"You said he was sorry! You said he keeps going on about how much he messed up! Were those just lies?"

"No! Riley, I swear. I'm as confused as you are. He always seemed so miserable. I had no idea he had moved on…"

I was going to hit her. I was so mad, so blind with rage…I needed to get out of there. So I ran. I heard her calling out behind me but I didn't care. I didn't think about where I was going. I just ran. My feet carried me with no communication to my brain. I kept moving. All I knew was I had to keep moving.

I looked around and stopped. I was in our secret place. I hadn't been here since…Since I broke up with Zane. For some reason my subconscious had brought me back here. I sat down on the bench and tried to breathe. I'm not sure how long I sat there, eyes closed, just listening to the birds around me. But it was long enough to realize something. I wasn't mad. Not at all. I was hurt. I was confused. But I wasn't mad. The whole time I'd been apart from Zane, I'd never been happy. And deep down, I knew that. He was my everything. I finally thought I was going to make everything right. But I was too late. I had lost my chance. And I was never going to get it back.

I pulled out my phone and texted Anya. "I'm sorry." It wasn't her fault. I shouldn't have gotten mad at her… God I was tired of thinking. Tired of having to do anything. I could feel myself sinking. I knew I should try to pull up before I went in deeper, but it was too much effort. Why should I bother? The only thing I cared about was gone. Forever. I slowly got up and started walking back to the parking lot. School was still going on, but there was no one around so I got in my car and pulled out.

I was relieved that my mom was at work. She'd find out later that I'd left school early but I'd come up with some excuse. Just as I walked in my phone vibrated. It was a text from Zane. "We should talk." For an instant I wanted to throw my phone. I wanted to throw it so it broke into a million tiny pieces. But I didn't. I turned it off and put it in my pocket. Then I walked into the kitchen.

It was strange. Normally I like being home alone. I liked the peacefulness of not having anyone else around. I like the freedom of being able to do virtually whatever I wanted. But today it was just depressing. I was already feeling emotionally alone, and now it was physical too.

It only took me a minute to find what I was looking for in the cabinet. My mom's "secret" stash… She didn't realize that I knew that if I pushed aside the various boxes in that cabinet I would find bottles of liquor. I reached in and took the one farthest in the back. Vodka. I figured that since it was in the back, she wouldn't notice if it disappeared. I knew I shouldn't… But I honestly couldn't think of a good reason why not. I still had at least six hours until my mom got home… I could sober up by then. I just needed to get out of the real world for a while. It would only be this once. I just needed an escape.

I went up to my room and locked the door. I took the souvenir shot glass out of my desk drawer and filled it. Sitting down in my chair, I raised the glass in a toast. "To Zane." The vodka burned going down my throat, but it was a good burn. It reminded me that soon I wouldn't be able to feel a thing.

If someone were to look through the window right then, it probably would've been a very sad sight. A teenage boy sitting alone in his room, drowning his pain in vodka. I felt like such a stereotype. I filled the glass again, and downed it. I didn't feel a thing. This wasn't fast enough. I wanted to forget. I wanted to stop feeling the way I did. I put down the glass and raised the bottle to my lips. Soon I wouldn't hurt. Soon everything would be fine…

…The empty bottle lay on the floor. I stared at the ceiling, trying to focus my vision. I was long past feeling anything. All I was now was… well I didn't know. I couldn't think. It was more than just too many thoughts going through my head; I was physically incapable of thinking. I puked. I didn't remember leaning over or actually doing it. Just one second I was lying there spinning, and the next second my throat burned and my mouth had a bitter taste. Everything was happening is flashes. Nothing made sense. Everything went black for a second but I managed to force my eyes open. Need to stay awake… My eyes closed again. I wanted to get up. I wanted the world to stay still again. Too much… too dark… I couldn't do this anymore… I let go. I finally felt free. I finally felt the world just fall away.


End file.
